Sunday, December 30

Sing the blues, brother.
If I said I never hear voices, you'de call me sane.
If I said zombies are not real, you'de call me sane.
If I said the world is not going to end soon, you'de call me sane.
Yet when I say I'm crazy you agree.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." ~Rita Mae Brown

Posted at 9:16 PM | 0 comments

Too young.
It sucks that I am too young to get married.
I think if I could marry right now I would be a complete person,
but of course it doesn't work that way.
I will have to wait, and when the time finally comes, I will think it's overrated.
Yet, if I was married right now, when I come that age I will be used to it,
and I would have my love semi-perminantly.
Maybe they will change he marring age for me.
It will most likely be around the same time that they make abortion illegal,
legalize marijuana, and pig's fly.
But what do I know?
I'm just too damn young.

Posted at 2:42 PM | 0 comments

Saturday, December 29

It took me 14 years, 7 months, 5 days, 21 hours, 52 minutes, and 45 seconds to realize how much my Mom loves me.
I love you too Mom..
I love you, too.

Posted at 5:41 PM | 0 comments

I think that these thoughts that I am thinking are not healthy.
Maybe it's all true,
the things they whisper in your ear.

Stop whispering already.
I have enough problems lately.

Posted at 12:13 AM | 1 comments

Friday, December 28

My best friend almost got arrested tonite.
I was so scared.
He was in handcuffs and everything.
Good reason why you should not smoke weed,
and not trespass.

Posted at 8:43 PM | 0 comments

Wednesday, December 26

My Life Story.
A pretty much feel as if all the blogs I have posted lately have been nothingness, pure undefined nothingness. I feel as if the people who do infact read my blog don't know who I am so I have decided to post my life story. If you read it you are pretty much a good friend if not fine, It's not important. Just another blank story posted on an internet page.

Let's start from the beginning:

I was an unwanted child from the time of conception. I was born April 25, 1993 to Paula Jean Thompson and Robert Charlie Fitzsimmons. My mom wanted to abort me, but my family convinced her otherwise. On my birthday there was actually a snowstorm. How cool is that? So anyways at 9:34 there I was, spawned on to this earth. I was a pretty healthy baby despite the fact that all my mom did during my pregnancy was smoke cigarettes, eat salads, and drink Mountain Dew.

I lived with my mom for a week after I got out of the hospital, she ended up calling my Aunt Marline saying if I didn't stop crying she was going to kill me. So of course she took me. My earlies memories where sitting on my uncles lap pulling on his beard and laughing. After my aunt got sick, I lived with my mom again for awile. After a few weeks my mom couldn't handle me anymore so she sent me to my dad's parents. My nana and papa said that when I came to them I was wearing my brothers close, and had a bed skin infection. She had to take me to the hospital and get me helped. I had a fever of 102. I think I was about 1 or 2. My nana and papa took good care of me. There are so many home videos they made of me just being a little hellion. My pap used to always say "i want some belly soup" and would blow on my tummy and I would yell "no papa no!". It was so funny, I would just crack up. Every time he said ism hungry i would run away laughing and screaming. You don't know how much I miss that. My mom wanted to take me away from them. They fought for me as much as they could, but the mom always wins... I don't recall what happened after that, but somehow I ended up with the love of my life, my aunt leisa. I was still young, maybe not even 3. There are so many good memories. I can remember the snuggling and all the love she had for me. It was so great. She ended up taking me to the beach, and i feel somehow and split my head open. I was 4 i think. You could see my skull and everything, it was gross. I can remember her screaming "LIFE GUARD". When I got taken to the hospital she stayed by my side holding my hand the entire time. (I am actually crying at this very moment). We went to the hospital at 4 and didn't get out until midnight. She was by my side the whole time. I love her so much. Well after that my mom took me away again, and sent me to her mom, my grandma. All of us kids lived with her and my grama was going crazy. She lived in a green house in Farmers Vally, and pretty mcuh everyone in our family has lived there. It's pretty neat.

So kindergarten. Two days before it was going to start my mom took me to live with her and her boyfriend. I remember my first day of kindergarten, my mom was taking pictures of me and in everyone I didn't smile. I don't really know why, I just didn't. When I went to go to kindergarten they thought I was 7 and put me in the wrong line. I remember I walked in a line to this classroom that only had four desks. They all laughed at me, and I was just like "I'm lost". Well I finally got in my class, but I was either smart or stupid. I went to an all day class. I always thought it was so cool how some people only went to school in the morning or the afternoon. I remember my mom never gave me money for lunch so I would sit and watch everyone eat. I also recall one day i saw kids leaving so I followed them, and they where getting milk cartons, and I was like "woah, cool" so I got one, and I got yelled at. They wouldn't let me have it because I didn't have any money. I remember at playtime no one wanted to play with me. I would take the block, build a wall and hide behind it. Kids would come over and take them from me. I wouldn't cry, I would just get really mad, but do noting. At nap time i would never sleep. I would just stare at the kids faces. The kids laughed at me because the towel I had to lay on had bleach stains. I was so mad all the time, I had the pretties towel there damnit.

First and second grades where sucky. I couldn't divide and I didn't understand math that well. They thought I was retarded so put me in special classes. Soon they found out I wasn't retarded so I went back to normal classes. I remember the first time I wet my pants. I was wearing winnie the pooh overalls, and a white turtleneck (yes I remember). I didn't mean to though my teacher was a psycho, and wouldn't let me go until she finished her lesson, so when I finally got to go i tried to get the overalls off and they just wouldn't. So i pissed myself. It was pretty sucky. I didn't make any friends until like 2nd grade. One of my friends had a pencil box with a bunch of ladybugs in it. One would die like everyday and she would cry. My first boyfriend's name was Jake. I was like so in love with him, he was awesome. He rode my bus, bus 2, and he was just a sweetie. I was obsessed with chapstick when I was in second grade. I would trade with people for like no reason. I was weird.

Between 2nd and 4th grade. {The order of these events is all messed up, so just go with it) I was pretty much a wierdo. My mom thought I was crazy because I would draw houses, just houses, and hang them up all over my wall. My best friend during this time was liz parris, my aunt leisa's kid. She was awesome. We would chill at her house and listen to Brittney Spears. Lol. I took a hit of my first cigarette when I was 7. I was with my brother, and his friend. My fist bi expirence was in 4th grade I think. I had a girl stay over at my house, and I would rather not go on... I don't really remember when this happened, but I ended up living in eldred with my mom and her now boyfriend. I was so pissed, because my mom's first boyfriend Jesse Himes was pretty much the shit. I loved him so much. He had a dog named Brutis and he was like my best buddy, but he absolutely hated the neighbor kid Jacey. Oh yes Jasey. he gave my my first hickey, I was only like 7. I got in soooo much trouble, and so did he.. Woah.. That's the only reason I fucking hate hickeys. But anyways back to Jesse. I loved him so much and the only time I ever saw that man cry was when we left. It was horrible. That was the summer I broke both my arms at the same time. It was so nuts. Like there was this rope tied to a tree in this kinda vally type things. You climbed this hill grabbed the rope, and went down. It was really fun. Well me i went out and somehow lost grip and fell. I could here the crack of my bones snapping, and passed out. I woke up and started crying. I got took to the hospital, and got everything taking care of. I had a cast on both But I could have died. Like on the flat part that you swing above there was trees that had been cut down, like little trees. So if I would have landed on one of them, I would have got impaled and died. How sick is that?

Some point in time I lived with my Grandma again. It was pretty wierd I was spoiled, and I was a little bitch. I had a journal that I wrote it (which I still have) and like I dunno. I was just wierd. I can't remember why I had to live there. Something bad happened, but I can't remember what. Must not have been that bad after all.

After we moved away from Eldred we moved to Port I think. I remeber that my best friend there was Casey Connelly. I was in love with a kid named Travis Green, I seriously wanted to marry him. When we lived there we where pretty much really poor, and I kinda smelled a little funny. I was a dirty blonde back then, I can rember. Well anyways we lived there for a little while, and ended up moving to Coudersport. my best friend when we lived there was Maggie Acker. We were thick as theives. I really like it back then. I remember there was this little latino bay that i liked. I can't even remember his name now. Well I lived there for awhile, and It was okay. My mom was pretty much being a cunt bad so I wanted to go live with my dad. I didn't live their long, maybe two weeks then I wanted to come home. I came home to my mom working day and night, my brother and his girlfriend fucking off. and doing stupid shit. It was gay, because the house was a wreck and I didn't feel like cleaning it everyday. I felt like shit everyday. Somedays I didn't even wake up, I just said fuck it. the first person I ever smoke pot with was Ginny. Don't feel like explaing that one. When I was in sixth grade I had a teacher named Ms. McClintic. She was crazy, and treated me like a charity case. I didn't really have any friends so I was like okay. Like I didn't even go to Recess that's how much no one cared about me.I was obsessed with Circe Roosenberry. I wanted to be her best friend, it was weird. My bestfriend (and only friend) was Rhonda. We had so many good times. She was just great, for a 5th grader. I also remember Chuck Mitchell was my boyfriend for awile. He gaged my ear and I was like woah awesome! I also played basketball for a bit, but no one liked me so it was kinda gay.

Lol, funny story. Back when my uncle was still alive we went on a trip to Black Mashinon. I was riding my bike, and my brakes wouldn't work. So I was flying down this hill, with no brakes. I hit a tree and fell down the hill. It was so funny!! I didn't get hurt, but my uncle almost flipped his lid!!

Well anywhoo my mom ended up moving to Austin or something like that. We moved so much I don't even fucking remember where I was half the time. I just remeber my best friend was Gerry Earle for awhile. We would hang out and I would camp out in this dude's back yard. Well one day she was like were going to get drunk and I was like okay. So yeah I did and got fucking assaulted. I don't really want to go into detail. I went into a stage of depression, I didn't talk to anyone, or even look at anyone. Well it ended up that my mom sent me to my Aunt's to live. My favorite cat, and only love died there. I was so torn up, because my uncle died like a month before that. It was pretty sad. I was so torn up. I stated putting my depression to work by spending at least 6 hours a day on the computer. I can type like 80WPM.. lol.. So anyways councelers where always around like being gay. I was like stay away from me, but thery wanted in my head so I let them in. It wasn't cool. Lol. So yeah I ended up getting a call from my mom begging me to come home so I did. The first guy I really think I was truely in love with was Ryan Allen Peneguy. He was my everything, and someday I am going to marry him. I think he is my soul mate. I still love him so much. Well anyways everything was okay for awhile. Tamara (my niece) lived with us for awhile while my brother was in jail. Everything was okay for awhile. I had a couple good friend, no problems. Well one day Matt tried to kill my mom so I had to call the cops. I was really scared, but we got through it. (I also lost my virginity to someone in that town)

While I lived in austin, my aunt leisa, brother ryan, and cousin liz where in a pretty bad car crash. My aunt was coming to pick me up to take me on a road trip. The said they were on there way yah know so I waited. It should have taken them like an hour at the most to get here, but after for hours, no show. So I got worried, then we got a phone call, and my mom starting crying. I was like what happened, and she was like they got in a car crash. I was like everything okay? She just started crying more. I was like "WHAT HAPPENED MOM!", she was like Leisa's is not okay. I started trippin, freaking out. Well come to find out she died 4 times on the way to the hospital, but they brought her back. She was in really bad shape for awhile. Look I love this woman so much that when she got out of the hospital, I shower her, WIPED HER ASS!@!, and took care of her. I love her so fucking much, you can't even understand.

So we moved to Coudersport again :). 7th grade lol. Seventh grade was neat. I had quite a few friends. I remember when I moved back I went and saw Rhonda, but she was like best friends with Kendra so she didn't want me. It was okay though. So I lived with my mom, cody, and my brother. I pretty much was dirt poor, but it was okay. I enjoyed it a lot and had a lot of fun. OH MY! One day my mom caught me in a bed with Jarret Wadsworth! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!@!@! So anyways I started dating Chuck Mitchell again like 2 weeks before I was going to move to Roulette, It was a very quick relationship. Then I met Jimmy Hosley. I moved to Roulette, and instantly started hanging out with Tequila. She was my best friend. Wow, the goo times "Dude your moms home", and me crying uncontrollably. So anyways I was hanging out with her a lot. It was neat. Rytz was at my house all the time, he was my bud lol. Well anyways I met Erica and Shannon on the forth of July. They where just chillin and I was like gimmie a cigarette, that's how I met my bestie. Lol. Well anyways I kept asking them if they knew Jimmy Hosley, and they were like yeah. So we started haning out with him and I fell in love with him. One day I come home a little tipsy and I called him and was like I want to see you, and he was like yeah and I was like YEAH! So I went and stole this kids bike and rode 9 miles to see his stupid ass. It was crazzzzy!! We dated and I absolutely loved him. So anywhoo my mom found out and I got in a lot of trouble.

She sent me to live with my aunt, and started dating Brian. So when I finally came home we lived with him. It was okay I guess. Well I started going way downhill. I didn't care about anything. I didn't even want to know myself. Jimmy broke up with me, my best friends were gone.. I was just a wreck. I made it through and started dating Jack which is probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. I ended up getting sent away to live with my nana and that was just crazy. I was in 8th grade. I started chain smoking and felt sick a lot. It wasn't cool. Well my fathers side abandoned me after that. I was like whatever fuck them anyways. It's cool.

So I moved back to coudy again. I lived there for most of the summer. Nothing happened that summer, nothing at all. I stayed at home and watched t.v.

Then guess what? I moved to washington. I met a few people. First person I met was Betty. I really wish I didn't. Well I hungout with her for a bit then I met Christian, and dated him for like a month. He was pretty much the greatest guy, and of corse i ruined that one. I think i still want him, but anyways.. It was just me, him, and ryan fonner. We were besties. When we met ryan it was so funny, I thought he was like 11 lol. So I started going to school, then I met Maggie. She was okay, just a little crazy. Well she ended up fucking me over so I don't even want to talk about her. Well so pretty much I dated a few people, became a pothead, and stayed clean. That's pretty much it I guess...

I can remember when my aunt bonnie died. I always remember trying to go over to her house and see her, and they just wouldn't let me in... I don't really to this day know if that was a good idea or not.

I can also remember when my uncle george died. I was at my dad's house, and he comes up stairs and he was like "you know god works in mysterious ways." I was like yeah okay sure, what's this all about? And he told me my uncle george had passed. I instantly burst into tears. The last time I saw him was when he dropped me off at my house, I got out hugged my aunt leisa, and thought how much i didn't hug him. So I went to the drivers side, gave him a big hug, and said "see you next weekend". That was the last time I ever saw him.

When my grampa died was just crazy. The story actually is in the archives of this blog. I found out he had a heart attack, and if it wasn't for coudersport hospital, he would still be alive. I hate that fucking place. Well anyways I went down to see him in the hospital, and I saw him laying there unresponsive. I was shocked, and confused. I couldn't cry, I just couldn't. I was in the room when my family decided not to resesitate. Imagine how hard it is to see your grampa like that, and hear you family say "when the time comes, don't bring him back".

My aunt leisa's mom rita, she was the shit is all I can say. We wern't really close, but it still hit me kinda hard.

Posted at 9:01 PM | 4 comments

I am still feeling a little depressed, but I am slowly getting over it.
I just need nicotine..

Posted at 7:50 PM | 0 comments

Tuesday, December 25

Should I cry?
Right now I feel like crying.
All this loneliness I have been feeling,
I finally found out what's wrong with me.
I never had any friends really.
Well yeah of course I had friends,
but none that have never fading memories.
No one I've done super awesome shit with,
just chilled, and had inside jokes and what not.
No one like them.
No one like them.

Posted at 8:54 PM | 1 comments

Woo hoo?
Well it's a holiday.
Like 1,000,000 people told me merry christmas.
I didn't say it back, because I am infact not merry.
I got Warcraft though so pretty much that's what I'm going to do forever now.
Also, I beat my first video game this weekend.
I beat Resident Evil 4, it was schweet.
I'm going to post lyrics now, get away.

System Of A Down - Hypnotize

Why don't you ask the kids at Tiananmen square?
Was Fashion the reason why they were there?

They disguise it, Hypnotize it
Television made you buy it

I'm just sitting in my car and waiting for my...

She's scared that I will take her away from there
Dreams that her country left with no one there

Mezmerize the simple minded
Propaganda leaves us blinded

I'm just sitting in my car and waiting for my girl
I'm just sitting in my car and waiting for my girl

I'm just sitting in my car and waiting for my girl
I'm just sitting in my car and waiting for my


Posted at 12:59 PM | 0 comments

Friday, December 21

Derek City
I'm going to Derek City for the weekend.
Call or txt the cell.
I'm not going to post it for safety reasons,
but it's hidden in my myspace.
It's easy to find if you care enough to look.

Posted at 2:04 PM | 1 comments

Thursday, December 20

What's the problem here?
There is something wrong with me.
Something I can't explain.
It goes something like this:

I feel alone, but I'm annoyed when I am not alone.
I feel unwanted, but I get 13894 calls a day to chill.
I feel unloved, but I have a boyfriend.
I feel not needed, but I have people asking for help.
I feel neglected, but I'm in my prime.
I feel lost, but I always know where I am.
I feel depressed, but I can't stop smiling.

At this point I would like to say I'm not okay.
These feelings wont go away.
I need help, but I can't make myself want it.
I don't know what to do.
Worst of all, I can't even cry.
I need therapy.

Posted at 2:55 PM | 2 comments

Wednesday, December 19

To be, or not to be.
I pretty much hate men.
It seems like intimacy is what their entire lives revolve around.
Not that it's such a horrible thing..
It's just not something I want to talk about all the time,
think about all the time, or do all the time.
I don't care if you want it or not, and I don't even care how bad.
Maybe I just want to hold you.
Maybe I just want to put my head on your shoulder.
Maybe I just want to feel your heart beat.
Maybe sex just isn't the answer.

Posted at 7:12 PM | 0 comments

Tuesday, December 18

blah ble blo blah!
As of always, I gotta be sick.
Runny nose, coughing, aches and pains.
This fucking sucks.
Shoot me?

Posted at 6:02 PM | 1 comments

Monday, December 17

Last Christmas
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Now I‘ve found the real love, now I found
You’ll never fool me again!

Could he be the one?
It's quite a possibility.
Or maybe I've gone mad.
I want this quite terribly,
I call this a tragedy.

Posted at 10:55 AM | 0 comments

Sunday, December 16

I can't believe I did it yet again.
It's just so damn awesome.
I feel sick to my stomache,
my head, my eyes, and my veins.
But tomorrow, i'll prolly do it yet again.

On other notes, I'm glad he called<3

Posted at 5:41 PM | 0 comments

Saturday, December 15

Isn't my layout pretty.
I hope it gives you a headache.
Good night everyone. (:

Posted at 6:09 PM | 2 comments

Wednesday, December 12

That's right baby!

Posted at 4:51 PM | 0 comments

Tuesday, December 11

All I really know to say lately is "wowzers".
Pretty much things have been so awesome I could puke.
I am so like happy to be alive I think I could scream.
The reason why you ask?
It's a secret, you will fail to know.
I'm not allowing comments on this blog.
Figure it out on your own.

Posted at 6:52 PM | 0 comments

Sunday, December 9

Let me stand next to your fire..
I think this weekend was pretty dull.
Monday will be better<3
Don't ask..
You just wouldn't understand (:

P.S: I am going to be a rapper. :D

Posted at 9:34 AM | 1 comments

Saturday, December 8

My Jenna,
This is just a simple (really shitty) poem I wrote for Ms. Jenna June.

Oh, Jenna June
Let's fly to the moon.
We'll take a drink of the stars
Then hover towards mars.
Let's go astray
And fly past the milky way.
Let our love take course
Please don't remorse.
I'll have you back by day
Then i'll be on my way.
Till' I see you again
My Jenna, my love, my friend.<3

Posted at 3:54 PM | 1 comments

Friday, December 7

Hypocrite? Maybe.
As I was walking home from Ryan's today, I saw some little kids. They where carelessly playing in the snow. I could feel my heart breaking. It seems as if all the simple pleasures of being a child were washed away so long ago. I choked back tears, and took a long hit on my cigarette trying to shake it off, but the feeling still lingered. I couldn't understand how that could depress me so deeply. That's when it hit me. Indeed, I had a pretty desent childhood at times, the sad thing is I can remember the last time I played in the snow. I was 10 years young. Why is this sad you ask? I should have made it last longer. I should have been carelessly playing instead of scrounging for change to have matching socks. I so wish I could have had a nice childhood, but I didn't. I miss being young, I miss it so much I could scream. The look on there little red faces, so meaningful, so careless so... Free. Not brought down by drugs, peer pressure, egos, lost love, and emptyness. I am so envious of what they have. What saddens me the most is, what are they going to turn out like? We all can have a pretty good idea. Look around you. What do you see? Do you see love, worship, self esteem? I don't. I don't at all. The phraise "your born, you live, and you die" is bullshit. There is so much beauty in life. There is so much I wish I could grasp the understanding of, but no. I am sitting here pissin and moaning about what could have been, what is, and what will come. Does it matter to you? Do you feel lost and alone, beat down, and afraid? Do you even care? The mind is such a wonderful, and beautiful thing. So what do we do? We waste it. We waste so much time feeding out ego, and worrying about what someone said about me, or if my hair is to frizzy. Such trivial things that shouldn't matter, but do. To be quite frank, it infuriates me. And I a perfect little speciman? No. I am a hypocrite, and I am a liar, and I am not a pure soul. I am not afraid to say that, because eveyone knows it's true. The most important person you can lie to is yourself. I'm not perfect, in anyway, nor do I want to be. It just pisses me off how everyone is always so petty. I mean damn, why don't you be brave? Why don't you stand up? Look at yourself. Is this you? Or is it who you wish you wouldn't be? Do you really thing that that what your wearing, or your money will matter when you are old, crippled and dying? Nope, it wont. What will matter is the way you lived. When you get older, and have kids, do you want them to be like you? I sure as hell don't and I will not let that happen. What I am trying to say here is life is to precious to be sitting around, wasting away. I'm not telling you to "dance like no one is watching" or anything oddly homosexual like that. I am saying, please, do something. Do something for yourself, be something, be SOMEONE! I don't think you really want to look back and remeber how egotistical, and retarded you once were. This blog is not me preaching to you, nor is it telling you how to live your life. It's just a message of courage from me to you, or maybe it's just food for thought. Take it how you want.

Posted at 1:53 PM | 2 comments

Thursday, December 6

My 100 Post<3
Yayers this is my 100th post. How awesome? Anyways I made a new myspace today: click. So yeah, today was an okay day I guess. I really wanted to see my Rossie poo, but yet again, could not. It was pretty dumb. My blog should be called "endless thoughts of a teenage girl", that's all it really seems to be anyways. I feel like I have lost my tick. I feel like some piece of me is missing, and I can't retrace my footsteps. It's really confusing, and petty, but yet I am still lost. I feel so void, so lost, I dunno what to do. I will make it out alive, I always do, but the trip will be a long one mate.


Posted at 7:14 PM | 0 comments

Wednesday, December 5

Hello Thar!
I know this dude his name is Ross and he is like my best friends/hero. If your reading this Ross you should deff. comment this blog. So anyways I have been talking to quite a few (3) old friends lately. It is really awesome to catch up, and I miss all you guys. Well my life story is on the side pretty much. I will add more soon. Anywhoo back to blogging. Well today I met this kid who had never met his parents. I hugged him out of sympathy, and began to think of how much it would suck to not have my parents. I mean like I know i say I dislike them or whatever, but I am a teenager, that's how it goes, but I dunno if I could live my life knowing that my own parents didn't want me. It's very sad. Poor Peter. I shall txt him now :3

Comments anyone?

Posted at 6:31 PM | 3 comments

Txting... Yummy!

I ♥ 2 txt (:

End of story.

Posted at 3:03 PM | 2 comments

Tuesday, December 4

hiya <3
Hello loves.
Long time?
Well i will start posting again.
Bye, (: ....

Posted at 6:55 PM | 0 comments